Firstly, my sincere apologies for the forced diet I have
imposed upon you all. It was due to circumstances beyond my control.
That said…………….Wow!! S/O to Serbia , Vietnam , Indonesia and even Australia yes the A-word for racking up the
blog views. Y'all rock. MASSIVE S/O to my homeland Zimbabwe and my adopted home South Africa for the enormous blog following.
Halaaala! I have also promised to post a picture of the man as soon as the blog hits 5000 views, so if you want to see what my Nemesis looks like you know what to do.
We left off where my guy had flown out of the country again
and it had been Wailers Anonymous all around. One would be mistaken if they
actually for a second thought that any of what you read last time held water, shame
on you if you did. I would actually stand in the same queue as you, helping you
position your head as you hung it in shame.
As soon as he landed and got
settled at the hotel the first thing Nemesis did was call me. Lame reason “didn’t
want you to worry”. But really though, what does it matter whether I worried or
not? We can't be together anyhow so why bother right? Wrong!
I have never been dumped in my life and I was really
worried about my reputation, so I asked him. Did you dump me?
He almost barked
down the line saying “Was I mad? And- hell no! Why would I think such
destructive thoughts?”
Now I was confused.
But but but...hold up a minute here!!! What was all that we
can't be together not fair on me diatribe for? Do you like my tears? I shat him out ferociously and he should have
hung up, by Jesus I would have. He listened and calmly said we needed to talk. My
first reaction oddly was 'shut up' you are a man is there no bro code violation
by you using that line on me? We need to talk??
My second reaction was stop messing my head around. He says
that was never his aim, He asked to freshen up and call me in a bit. So I sat
there scratching my head and going over our conversations, what had I missed? Was
the outcome not that he and me were over? He rang me back after about 30mins
and I tore into him again. He said he never said we should end things but I had
insinuated... ...I had insinuated that after a balanced look at everything
maybe it was better that we part ways, sake of sanity and my child etcetera.
What he had started was a topic for discussion-call it
picking my brain, not a conclusion as my response was received by his ears. Then
we haggled about he meant with the way his life was about to become; he saw it
as unfair to not let me know his worries. What he had was a dilemma that his
integrity brought on. Should we keep on when he couldn't give me all of him or
call it quits before we got more entangled in one another.
Just as you read it is how I saw it too. There were only
two options presented and I went into self-preservation mode.
He came to me with
these concerns as a person who was at odds with his conscience; he wanted help
with thinking, needed suggestions not to be shut down. He could see no way to
balance out his dreams and this connection that he had with me and make the two
sync and work together. He made it clear that his dreams and choices made long
before my appearance should not compromise the quality of our relationship. According
to him I deserve the best and he wasn't worthy of me. The best being a man
clung at my hip worshiping and serving me. I was going to suffer his absences
and at times take second place to his aspirations. That was what was eating him
up, why he cried. To that I countered that he was probably sitting at about third
best in my list of priorities but I wasn't catching pains about that.
Being second best while a man pursues who he is to become a
better person for himself is more satisfying than knowing he has no life. No
way I can ever expect him to be the best version of himself if I am holding him
back from what would make him whole. Thus far whenever he needed to travel I
had caught no pains about it or made him feel guilty for what he called
abandoning me. Because I never felt abandoned; having enough of a life going on
myself and all. We all need room to breathe, grow and find purpose. I'm not
your typical blow up your phone, email; stalk your every move selfish type. I never
have been. If you want that type go for it but at your own peril. Don't come
back and blame another person for holding you back making you feel empty when
they could be your biggest cheerleader. Don't let another person stand in the
way of your dreams, lover or not. They should support and fuel your desire to
succeed. Only when you've paid your dues to yourself can you start living in
the moment, letting life take over because YOU are satisfied with you. When
your debts are paid to yourself and you've played your role as supporting
partner two wholes can meet and then...fireworks!
I told Nemesis this was my view of it. I know he is
working why should I provide more work by way of stressing him out and being
overbearing. My dreams are by no means as fantastical as his but that gave me
no right to hamper his progress. The two can co-exist harmoniously. He had been
a rock and refuge to me through painful trials and never discouraged me. Why
was I not being afforded the same opportunity? He wasn't always in a position
to help me as I needed it done all the time but HE WAS THERE. I didn't want
stand by him because of a feeling of indebtedness. I wanted to stand with him
because I understood his innermost aspirations, because I believe in him. His
heart is good. This is what boggled his mind. Why did I care, what was it to
me, what did I stand to gain from him finding himself. He still asks the same
questions after all this time.
I refuse to repeat myself even now. He knows what I said
and I have held to it. I don't commit by mouth if it isn’t in my heart, in my
being. He had never looked at things this way; it's why he had been alone for
so long because nobody means what they say; hence him presenting me with just
two choices. This also explained why he held to his policies on fairness and
his low perception of self-worth, no one had ever believed in him: said it or
showed it. But here I was half a day away from him telling him that I did. That
he need not question why...that he should take me as I am, sincere.
There and then we both knew it, whatever 'it' was. But we
had something special, we had option number three. We weren’t letting us go that
easy.
(follow me on Twitter @mazituwe )
Oh laaawd, I look forward to your blogs. Cant wait for the next one. Assumption really is the mother of all fuck ups. Like you had a self destruct button that you liked to use on yourself. Give us more more of this delicious saga.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support, next post coming soon!
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