Separation Anxiety

Disaster number two to test the relationship arrived. This time it was him, not me.

There is a project he and his partners had been working on for a few years that had finally started to bear fruit. Naturally I was happy for Nemesis but this also meant that shit got real, it got real very rapidly. He was now focusing his energies on traveling outside the country and garnering support for setting his dream up…in Australia!

I sat there staring at him with my head spinning and in a mish mash of emotions, especially since he seemed so pleased with it all. I have also learnt to be happy for my lover when he gets the things that make him happy, as he is pleased for me whenever I register a personal success. It allows both of us to develop outside of one another so that we can be the best possible partners to one another. Having been as honest with me as long as he had all along, I knew exactly what this opportunity meant to him. I asked when he leaves. He said the next night. I swallowed hard and grinned even harder, wished him all the best for his trip and tried to keep my food down.

We chatted and I made myself sound braver than I felt. I told him not to worry about me I am used to being alone anyway. I would be fine. In reality I wanted to break down and give God a stern talking to about why he would let me lick such joy and yank it from me. I lashed out on my own after he dropped me off. If there had been any furniture in that flat I would have destroyed it all.

Honestly what wrong had I done, this man had come in and become a compliment to my life and then this shit??? Was God teasing me? Why?

We spoke on the phone through that night; he would sleep on the plane I couldn't sleep anyhow. He was going to be gone for two weeks. I sat there and thought here goes he's just your typical man. Gets you hooked, gets some nookie and disappears. Oh well this was it! I was beyond angry but consoled myself that at least it was worth the ride no matter how short the ride was. God and I had lots of long talks.

He landed safely and the first thing he did was call to let me know he was safe. I am paranoid about flying over water and flying at night now put the two together… Those two weeks dragged on too long. We spoke constantly; he phoned for at least an hour every night. We missed each other bitterly. To be honest he wasn't here physically but apart from being unable to kiss and be held by him he was with me all the time. Even with the time difference I wonder now when he actually got any work done. As fate would have it I hadn’t been tested enough apparently.

His trip was extended by another week, but it was worth it everything was in order it was just loose ends that needed tying up. Third week away passed and sadly it looked like another two weeks were necessary. Any faith I had recovered faded there and then. I hadn't even known him that long but it felt like a part of me was missing. Food was tasteless and nothing motivated me

As usual when things don't go my way I threw myself into work. I worked Mon to Fri at new job, still waitered weekends for tips to buffer the income up a bit. If I got a booking for nails too I went for it. I was cruising on autopilot running three jobs, baby also needed me I was overdoing it. Stupidly telling myself that there was plenty of time to sleep when I die. All things being equal I had to make rent, fees, food, sanity and all of them were running low.

I collapsed one day coming from work.

After an ambulance ride to hospital, being revived, checked out and cleared to go home. Nemesis was frantic trying to reach me. I had low blood pressure. I was to take it easy and got booked off work from exhaustion. I couldn’t afford off-days at a new job; it was a no-brainer. So I kept going and never mentioned this to anyone at work, luckily I chose Sunday to get up to these shenanigans. Now on top off all my problems was a hospital bill to pay as well. Luckily and unbeknownst to me a woman staying at our complex had followed the ambulance to the hospital. She paid the bill and said I can cover it when I settle a bit; she had seen me around and appreciated what I was doing for my baby.

She took it upon herself to look out for my girl until I came back home and even made me food. I was blown away. She hardly knew me. To this day I still don’t even know her name. On the other side of the world there was a man losing his mind and wanting to get on the next plane back home as soon as he found out that I was incapacitated. My friend made sure she assured him I was taken care of and that it was my wish that he see his work through, which I insisted in fact!

I had no food, in an empty house and pride the size of Kilimanjaro. Despite being asked if I needed money by various people and even him I ate soup for days . Whichever way I made a way. When I finally admitted defeat to him and that I needed help financially he tried repeatedly and failed to get money to me. I never told him the full extent of how bad things were, and then he added another 5days to his trip. I flipped a lid then, in no uncertain terms I told him where to get off. He got the brunt of all the hell I was going through, as well as my mourning of the dead relationship with my sister and the pressure from family back home that seemed to convey that I was overreacting.

I just missed him, we could get on the phone and he would listen to me crying until I fell asleep, not talking and never fully saying what exactly was wrong. It was everything and it was nothing, how was this mess I was in any of his business anyway. I felt bad for needing a crutch and having accepted help from anyone at all. Acts of charity from strangers make me feel like I am the subject of pity and nobody likes a pity party: I am not used to help even from my family.

Another thing I discovered is that I lose teeth when I am stressed out. I lost 3 last year alone this is also why soup became my friend. I made sure baby ate properly though, if we had a piece of meat in the house it was hers. I had to save up for the mammoth rent that was due in a matter of days. Just in the nick of time the old job paid out for leave days and with my half-month salary I just made rent, fees and some food. The boss also threw in a little bit extra.

All was well. 

But Nemesis had gone quiet for three whole days. I did my restaurant shift on a Saturday and went home...

(follow me on twitter @mazituwe )