Assumption Is the Mother of All F*ckups

Firstly, my sincere apologies for the forced diet I have imposed upon you all. It was due to circumstances beyond my control. 

That said…………….Wow!! S/O to Serbia , Vietnam , Indonesia and even Australia yes the A-word for racking up the blog views. Y'all rock. MASSIVE S/O to my homeland Zimbabwe and my adopted home South Africa for the enormous blog following. Halaaala! I have also promised to post a picture of the man as soon as the blog hits 5000 views, so if you want to see what my Nemesis looks like you know what to do.

We left off where my guy had flown out of the country again and it had been Wailers Anonymous all around. One would be mistaken if they actually for a second thought that any of what you read last time held water, shame on you if you did. I would actually stand in the same queue as you, helping you position your head as you hung it in shame.

 As soon as he landed and got settled at the hotel the first thing Nemesis did was call me. Lame reason “didn’t want you to worry”. But really though, what does it matter whether I worried or not? We can't be together anyhow so why bother right? Wrong! 

I have never been dumped in my life and I was really worried about my reputation, so I asked him. Did you dump me?

 He almost barked down the line saying “Was I mad? And- hell no! Why would I think such destructive thoughts?”

 Now I was confused. 

But but but...hold up a minute here!!! What was all that we can't be together not fair on me diatribe for? Do you like my tears?  I shat him out ferociously and he should have hung up, by Jesus I would have. He listened and calmly said we needed to talk. My first reaction oddly was 'shut up' you are a man is there no bro code violation by you using that line on me? We need to talk?? 

My second reaction was stop messing my head around. He says that was never his aim, He asked to freshen up and call me in a bit. So I sat there scratching my head and going over our conversations, what had I missed? Was the outcome not that he and me were over? He rang me back after about 30mins and I tore into him again. He said he never said we should end things but I had insinuated... ...I had insinuated that after a balanced look at everything maybe it was better that we part ways, sake of sanity and my child etcetera. 

What he had started was a topic for discussion-call it picking my brain, not a conclusion as my response was received by his ears. Then we haggled about he meant with the way his life was about to become; he saw it as unfair to not let me know his worries. What he had was a dilemma that his integrity brought on. Should we keep on when he couldn't give me all of him or call it quits before we got more entangled in one another. 

Just as you read it is how I saw it too. There were only two options presented and I went into self-preservation mode.

 He came to me with these concerns as a person who was at odds with his conscience; he wanted help with thinking, needed suggestions not to be shut down. He could see no way to balance out his dreams and this connection that he had with me and make the two sync and work together. He made it clear that his dreams and choices made long before my appearance should not compromise the quality of our relationship. According to him I deserve the best and he wasn't worthy of me. The best being a man clung at my hip worshiping and serving me. I was going to suffer his absences and at times take second place to his aspirations. That was what was eating him up, why he cried. To that I countered that he was probably sitting at about third best in my list of priorities but I wasn't catching pains about that. 

Being second best while a man pursues who he is to become a better person for himself is more satisfying than knowing he has no life. No way I can ever expect him to be the best version of himself if I am holding him back from what would make him whole. Thus far whenever he needed to travel I had caught no pains about it or made him feel guilty for what he called abandoning me. Because I never felt abandoned; having enough of a life going on myself and all. We all need room to breathe, grow and find purpose. I'm not your typical blow up your phone, email; stalk your every move selfish type. I never have been. If you want that type go for it but at your own peril. Don't come back and blame another person for holding you back making you feel empty when they could be your biggest cheerleader. Don't let another person stand in the way of your dreams, lover or not. They should support and fuel your desire to succeed. Only when you've paid your dues to yourself can you start living in the moment, letting life take over because YOU are satisfied with you. When your debts are paid to yourself and you've played your role as supporting partner two wholes can meet and then...fireworks!

I told Nemesis this was my view of it. I know he is working why should I provide more work by way of stressing him out and being overbearing. My dreams are by no means as fantastical as his but that gave me no right to hamper his progress. The two can co-exist harmoniously. He had been a rock and refuge to me through painful trials and never discouraged me. Why was I not being afforded the same opportunity? He wasn't always in a position to help me as I needed it done all the time but HE WAS THERE. I didn't want stand by him because of a feeling of indebtedness. I wanted to stand with him because I understood his innermost aspirations, because I believe in him. His heart is good. This is what boggled his mind. Why did I care, what was it to me, what did I stand to gain from him finding himself. He still asks the same questions after all this time. 

I refuse to repeat myself even now. He knows what I said and I have held to it. I don't commit by mouth if it isn’t in my heart, in my being. He had never looked at things this way; it's why he had been alone for so long because nobody means what they say; hence him presenting me with just two choices. This also explained why he held to his policies on fairness and his low perception of self-worth, no one had ever believed in him: said it or showed it. But here I was half a day away from him telling him that I did. That he need not question why...that he should take me as I am, sincere. 

There and then we both knew it, whatever 'it' was. But we had something special, we had option number three. We weren’t letting us go that easy.

(follow me on Twitter @mazituwe )