The Wretched A-Word

All too soon I got news from home that my dad was unwell, there is medication he needed from here so my broke-ass had to hustle. So hustle she did. I took an advance at work and arranged to send the medication home, it was delivered safely and there was temporary relief.

A couple of weeks later I had a very candid discussion with an aunt of mine about assisting the parents back home I could offer none of the answers I should have been and out of sheer embarrassment and a feeling of failure I have not been able to even say hi to her, my conscience won’t let me. I miss the relationship I have always had with her but I can’t bear having a discussion that highlights my failings as a human being again. Not with all the beatings life away from home has been dishing out to me. As they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, smack a slab on for me if you get a chance. I might be going there and  thanks in advance.

Surely my heart bleeds for all the things I know I should and wish I could do. But I have no money. Some would ask where the father of my child is. I actually do not know, neither do I care. What help can one possibly expect to get from a man who took me as far as the High Court contesting the child support award the court recommended, a man who sends a please call me to a six year old? But we will discuss the sperm donor another day.

In the Nemesis department things couldn't have been going better...or so I thought. So to take my mind off things we arranged a little get away. Just to add a bit of fun to things we planned to use someone else's clean sheets facilities so he had me arrange hotel bookings. To make it even more fun we decided to travel separately to our love-nest, he drove I used my Mits-shoe-bishi and taxis. We had a rendezvous point where he picked me up for the final leg of the trip (it was all very 007,had me tingling)and we checked in hand in hand, one night away and with doors closed to the world.

He wanted to take me out for dinner but I had no time for that, we bought takeaways at a drive thru. The reason we had to go away was he had made some shocking revelations to me over drinks one night; we had both ended up in tears. I had a decision to make and I think better on a clear head, who better to clear my head than he and in his very special way. Once in the room we ripped into each other both verbally and sexually until all that remained was a heaving mass of human pulp. He had to check out earlier than me in the morning because he had a flight to catch. Australia strikes again!

Part of our deliberations the night before and whenever the A-word came up had been about maybe we should stop seeing each other. It was a mutual balanced look at the facts on the ground. He would like us to continue but he felt he wasn't being fair on me or child and a phrase that has become as rude as Australia in our relationship came up again…he didn’t deserve me or I deserved better than him. The first time it had come out was just after we had engaged in coitus for the first time…imagine that as a topic for pillow talk!!! Pah!

The travelling was about to get worse, more often with more indefinite return dates. He couldn't do that to me. I disagreed. I’m a big girl, I can take it. We went back and forth on it until we decided firstly that to avoid hurting my child he would forthwith be removed from the triad. It hurt, it hurt like hell keeping from her a man she clearly loves and a man she had connected with so purely that wasn’t her grandfather or her uncles. Secondly I had decided (during an all-consuming orgasm) that I loved this feeling. If he was going to go from my baby he would lose me too.  If I had a choice of how to remember him this was just the way. I was so high at that moment that I was in tears and wanted to remember him like that, making me soar so I told him. 

We held each other and cried through the rest of the night, mind you he cries more than me- more emphatically even. It takes less to bring tears to his eyes; the intensity of it is heart-wrenching. His flight was for 3pm. He left and I cried some more for what felt like an eternity, my chest was caving in. When I got home I just took one look at my daughter and burst into tears. She knows me well enough to leave me alone sometimes. After almost an hour she made me some coffee and asked if I was ok. I couldn’t even look at her, and then she asked me why I was so sad. I steeled myself and told her Nemesis was gone and we were never going to see him again, she took a deep breath and asked why… I have never seen her look so crestfallen.

She asked me if I loved him,nodding and shaking I couldn't answer that and just burst into a fresh wave of tears , with her patting my back and clucking. Then out of nowhere she says please can you phone him I would like to speak to him. I sent him a message to him to ask if that was ok. He gave his assent then I called him and gave her the phone. She dispensed with the niceties and dived right in:

“Mama told me we are never going to see u again, that makes me sad but I promise I'll take care of her for you and be a good girl”

I could hear him crying on the other end. Bawling in fact…

She says “I hope you still have the frog I gave you, it will watch over you keeping you safe”

Then this was the kicker...she says,

“Nemesis, no matter where you go in the world u will always have a home here with us, me and my mum”

I cried, he cried...she just smiled, hugged me and said I love both of you into the phone. We cried even more. Why????He asked her to repeat what she had just said and she did word for word. But he still went to go find his shining star

He still flew…

(follow me on twitter @mazituwe )

N.B

Please note, Monday I will do three installments to make up for the lack you shall face this weekend, I am going through some things. For further snapshots of the story you can check my timeline on twitter under the hash-tag #ThisIsMe . Whenever I am unable to sleep and you can't too, you can find me ranting about it there.