Friday, 24 January 2014

Non-Nemesis Post

I am feeling despondent, lost, like I am a failure and so many different things I can hardly articulate today….I would like to dedicate today’s blog to anyone who can relate to this

Yesterday brought on a new level of appreciation for the gift that is life. Before you sleep tonight remember that tomorrow is not a guaranteed thing

Spare a thought for that parent who does not know where their child is or has had to bury them before they had a fair shot at life

Spare a thought for that mother who nursed a child and that father who feels he's a failure because he didn't protect his family sufficiently

Spare a thought for that woman who had only a shoe left to identify the mangled corpse that once was a child brimming with potential

Spare a thought for that broken family that never found their lost or stolen child. Spare a thought for the pain that child goes through

Last night, and even now I sit here thankful that although I do the best I can for my daughter, her safety and wellbeing I cannot always control outcomes

I sit here thankful that she was safely in bed when so much could have happened that would have stripped my life of meaning in this day

For a few hours today everyone who knew where my child should have been could not provide answers. For those hours I was dead inside

With each passing second, horrific possibilities of what could be happening to her pierced my heart. Time stood still and still moved too fast.

There are so many things I need to make right for my daughter's security and massive gaffes she has committed in crying out to me and also in helping me

All my energy is drained. 

But I'll get down on my knees and praise God that I'm with her. I will take time to spare a thought for those without... those without hope, without answers and without closure.

Please pray for them too.


Thursday, 23 January 2014

Impractical Declarations

Ok, so Nemesis loves me?

What now?

We would have a proper discussion about this upon his return. I will gloat a little bit for a moment here…I had known these were his feelings for a while now; you know a woman just knows these things. It was never a matter of “if” but “when” he was going to up and say something. No way was I going to be the one to say it first although I had been basking in the feeling for a while now.

Despite all that I will say about being a strong woman and not being a girly girl, I still believe very strongly in the status quo and our traditional roles as men and women. Men chase, woo, provide and so on: Women get chased, get wooed and get provided for. Simple. But since the world changing has absolved us as humans of our prime responsibilities to self and the notion of family we can excuse you for being like me. I for a long time believed some bitter old spinster stepped up and grabbed a machete and drove it deep into the back of Chivalry, twisting it and stabbing him a couple of times for good measure and just to make sure he was well and truly departed from his mundane but overrated existence…I say again- the concept is dead

Since I had known that this was coming I had for a while been practising appropriate responses to this imminent revelation. Appropriate responses all of which deserted me when I needed them the most. The man was in tears telling me his deepest innermost feelings and I was sitting there wracking my brain trying to remember the right words to say and clutching at straws in the dark (imagine, with my eyesight) I was so disappointed in myself that I started to laugh.

Nemesis was gobsmacked!

He loves me and I am rolling around on my bed in fits of uncontrollable laughter? Little did he know that I was kicking myself wishing I had written down all the various answers I had for all the various scenarios I regularly played in my head. You know the way it is when you are a primary school going girl and that guy you have a crush on even half glances at you. You rush home and start practising signing letters and important documents with your first name’s initial and his surname. You all know the type of heady and giggly, presumptuous pubescent mannerisms I’m talking about. We all did it!

Ok…enough deflecting- I had to face the revelation. I just went “Awwwww” read like a thousand ‘w’s in that. It just went on and on. I could tell he was in his deepest feelings right there and I didn’t want to just shoot the man down. So I asked instead if he knew what he was talking about, what it meant.

He assured me he was dead certain and had been for a while (I did say this, remember?)He had just never found the opportune time to tell me. I asked if he wasn’t just saying things because he felt sorry for me and because I sounded suicidal. He again emphasised his sincerity.
I needed an escape quickly so that I could find my mental notes and regale him with all the possible responses I had rehearsed. Brick wall.

So I asked if he could excuse me so that I could go and relieve myself. This in itself was odd because I have been known to do this with the phone pressed between my head and shoulder trying to balance it away from falling into the cistern and smouldering the raucous noise flushing it produces. I actually put the phone down on my pillow and moon-walked to the lavatory, pumping the air with excited fists and half wetting myself with the sudden activity. My body isn’t used to feeling joy -it’s so bad that the thing doesn’t know what to do with itself.

After leaving less than 10ml in the loo…apparently I wasn’t actually in need of relief I calmed my voice and tentatively got back on the phone. I drawled supinely that I was back and proceeded to listen to him continue extolling the virtues of my character and the how-many-ways-he-loved me as if I was used to this kind of glorification. I took a hard stance and again asked what ‘this’ now meant. He explained that his dreams and his work remained the same and nothing would ever change that, was I in a position to handle that.

“Hearts will never be practical until they become unbreakable”
- Wizard of Oz

I lay there mentally screaming….WAY TO BURST A BUBBLE NEMESIS!!!!!!

 Never* (watch carefully how this is going to go) was I going to give in to the urge to tell him that I loved him back, he had to hang himself out to dry completely first. He insisted that this was not the proper way to do it but he wanted me to keep my chin up until we could discuss things in person.

I know he was dying for the declaration, he too knew it was coming. But where was the fun in just letting him have it easily like that, come on! I grunted the subject away in dismissal and proceeded to ask after the weather and the levels of humidity in relation to the density of cloud cover and rates of precipitation. He laughed his big bellowing laugh and actually answered it. I laughed even harder. We were cool like that.

I proceeded to sprawl my body on the bed and nearly pushed Kung-fu  Panda (read my daughter) out of bed with the moves I pulled finishing off that phone-call and into the night. She has skills; one can wake up to find her foot in one’s mouth and her back upended off the bed in a precarious way, but dead asleep and snoring contentedly. That night I gave her a run for her money…by morning my foot was in her mouth hahaha!

*Before I had hung up last night I had managed to draw out my hesitance to respond to Nemesis no longer than 45 minutes. I implore you to please pay homage to my self-discipline…or lack thereof!

I almost shouted at the top of my lungs that I love him too…but ehhh I have neighbours and stuff.

So, yeah....


(follow me on Twitter @mazituwe)

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Cupid Strikes

The blog-post yesterday stirred a lot of feelings, not everyone found it agreeable or tasteful, though a lot secretly liked it …but since this is my story, it shall continue. 

We incorporated our new found distraction into our repertoire and both found that it shortened otherwise long and dreary days. It made the yearning less profound and was always a nice wind down to me especially since I would go to bed with a massive grin on my face. Sometimes he would be awake and I asleep but I found a way to make sure Nemesis had a pleasant image to go to sleep with. I would take pictures and stuff at night, talk to him deep into the night and then bombard him with 'gifts' around 9am here, 9pm there. It worked out really nicely really, he talked to me before he went to work and I had his voice in my ear before I slept. 

Two weeks slipped by and I hardly even noticed. I did my usual me things whether he was here or not, dinners, walks, reading, park, dancing and movies. At the start of the third week he announced he would be back at the end of the next one. I still got on with my life though I was missing him. Then the time for him to return finally came aound. He had organised a surprise getaway for me and with no clothes to change I was spirited away. Who needed clothes anyway when it was going to be room service all around? We were not there for the scenery or buffet. 

Strangely enough, that night we just held each other and talked. Drowning in each other's eyes and just feeling one another’s heat and breathing. When morning came, it REALLY came! We loved each other deep and tenderly. It was effortless, the feeling of falling into him and I didn't want to leave. He had left his house-keys with a friend, hence us not going to his home the previous night by midday we parted after he got them.

In other news ……He was only here for a week. He had just returned to finalise renting out his place as he used it so little lately. The idea of occupying it had flitted through my brain but the logistics would never pan out and he would never accept my money be it for rent or household utilities. But I wasn’t about to put myself in a position where I imposed upon him to be super charitable to me in a hidden contract like that, it would only compromise me at a later stage.
Besides it was far too big and out of the way for me. I like my small place at least it's my OWN space.

We packed as much activity as we could into that one week, music shows, dinners, chats, scrabble it was like a dream. We made sure we had extensive quality time with one another until the morning he had to leave again. He was apologetic and feeling the pits. Never having been too good with goodbyes myself, he always went to the airport on his own and stored his car safely. He had spoiled me with enough chocolate to carry me through my sudden voracious cravings and spread a warm fuzziness all over me.

I have never been at pains about his comings and goings because at any given time we both know exactly where we are and what each of us is doing. It was a voluntary disclosure, he did it because he never wanted me to be worried about him but I did it because I wanted him on his toes, to show that in my world he is important but not so important as to stop the sun shining he had to know that I was to be pursued and worked for. Some men are strange like that the more you hide the less they care, the more you show the more they want to know. Mysterious balance; and it goes against every value drummed into you by all those relationship and self-help books doesn’t it? But this works for us, knowing where I was and what I was doing wasn't saying he should leave me alone, but he should know that my being with him is a choice I have made. I fit him in my schedule when it suits me and if it doesn’t he has to find ways to entertain himself and not look to me for suggestions. Or make me feel bad about enjoying whatever I am doing, if twiddling my fingers for hours or watching my nail polish dry stimulates me I will do that over giving him half-baked company.

His not being here didn't mean I wasn't dressing up and going out, or being looked at and asked for my number. But it got to him…JACKPOT! I felt a heady happiness from knowing he actually felt he had something worth holding onto in me. I giggled as I pictured him pounding his puffed out chest like the Alpha gorilla staking his claim that she is MINE MINE MINE! Though when talking to me it was all yeah have fun, but behave, but kill them with your hip-sway, but don't let anyone near you. Welcome you Green-eyed monster you! 

For some days I had been feeling super low and no matter how chirpy I tried to sound over the phone, at work, with people I was drowning and fast getting depressed. I didn't know what I wanted. He picked up on it from the first day. He would joke and lift my mood until it was all ok again. Yes I am a grown woman but I just wanted my mama. I just wanted to tell her so much and just to be in her company even if it would be just for a day; I also wanted a long walk with my father.

Here I was trying to eke out a living in a foreign land, overworking and just missing familiarity. Nothing around me seemed kind or in the least bit hopeful. I dreaded waking up as much as I dreaded trying to get to sleep. I was still trying to be Superwoman juggling three jobs and mothering a child that left me mentally drained with her 40yr old mind. I had too much going on and absolutely nothing going on all at the same time. I just wanted to scream!!! 

When Nemesis called that night he did most of the talking. I had no energy for enthusiasm and I was even happy he was away. If he had been around and we had plans this was one of those days I was going to turn him away and bolt the door, guilt-free and jubilant. As we spoke, he was rambling and rambling and I was just affable. 

He spoke my full name……that grabbed my attention. He never does that

It was as if someone had told him all the things I was failing to say and he told me that he knew and that he understood everything. He said to me he knew I was feeling alone and that no one cared or worried about me. Feeling like the whole world was conspiring against me, a near sight suicidal.

He got all that HE understood it but HE needs me, HE wants to be with me, HE is missing me. Most of all...

He is in love with me

He has known it for a while and maybe this isn’t the place or way to tell me. But NEMESIS LOVES ME!


(follow me on Twitter @mazituwe)

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Stroking the KittyCat- Lessons in Self Pleasure

So the story continues. I hadn't been dumped so my record still held...phew. 

Nemesis and his conscience had to get it together. He had been away about a week and we had slipped back into the routine of old, communicating any chance we got and partook in those long phone-calls. There was so much unsaid and I was aching for baby to come back home. I didn't want to be taken over the table, just to be held and cuddled. 

He called me one night drunk as a skunk talking gibberish and slurring over his words almost in tears because he missed me. I listened as he recited poetry and sang to me highly likely dancing across the room suffocating a pillow. It was just past lunchtime there so he had had a beer with his breakfast and it had gone south from there.  Might I add that he can write a mad poem, much better than me.

He sent me an sms during the day talking about the feel of my skin against his, my breathing on his chest, hearts beating in tune etcetera…

“Lying together, nothing between us, feeling naked skin touching mine, the rise and fall of your body as you breathe ...the involuntary shudder as I kiss your neck, the softness of your breath. The thoughts I have when I can't touch you”

 Homesickness and loneliness do nice things to the man. The phone-call ended in fits of laughter after he had puked his guts out and decided to turn in literally while the sun still shone.

Gents pleeeease I implore you, get poetic with your women, few things make us as dizzy as short notes, post-its or cute little letters all over. Dazzle her with a little note stuffed in her toiletry bag, or a series of them. Cheap , effective ways to make sure you put money in your bank for later withdrawals *wink wink*.

The next day I chided him for not taking care of himself and eating right, but my concern was borderline nagging. My mummying of Nemesis always has either of two effects dependent upon his mood. He can either welcome it enthusiastically or loathe it emphatically. I honestly didn’t give a damn; I wanted a healthy, randy man upon his return. The only excuse I would accept was jet-lag, and that very begrudgingly. 

I just grinned at my phone for hours keenly paying attention to the pulse in my groin. How did he affect me so much so far away? The thud thud thud was so loud it was now ringing in my ears and making my whole body ache. Whatever was I going to do? I couldn't respond to his sms (because I had no credit) and also since i couldn't focus long enough to want to go looking for any. That night he called earlier than normal in a right panic, wondering if I was ok and had his message offended me. I let him prattle on and abruptly told him to hang up. He was taken aback but i insisted, I had a plan and I knew he was not going to regret it. I had finally found sense and got some credit.

So I loaded up a small amount and proceeded to my bubble bath ...with my phone in hand and got picture happy. I started off teasing him with a bubbly covered toe and sent that. I moved it up until I got a bit of knee and thigh out. After each shot, I would send the pictures to him. I did a hand on cooch bubbly shot. I moved up to the girls and snapped a modest but very titillating nipples covered shot. Sent that. Then a soapy full frontal shot. Then I spun around and did the full soapy back shot, to top it off a very steamy finger in corner of mouth, lips slightly parted juicy looking dripping steamy shot! That was the coup de grace

He walked…. no ran out of a meeting with his financiers to call me immediately. He never returned until the next day. Lied about he wasn't feeling well and it must be the heat, hell he even begged yellow fever-in a first world country! He dashed out of the boardroom bent over double trying to get to where no one would see how excited he was.  All he had managed while still in the meeting was a text with wide eyes and a grinning face. I had him!

I just want to speak to the ladies for a sec, SEND YOUR MAN NUDES! Especially if he shouldn't be seeing them, remind him why he needs to rush home. 

I finished off my bath and luckily my baby had long since slept. We had to find a way to release this pent up tension; he was already in his room by then. He called. It was a very breathy greeting on my part and I took the lead. With my voice I started to stroke him and take his clothes off. I drew imagery of how my body looked and felt as I instructed him to take a seat and let me rub his back, gently kissing it better. I told him to see me throw his shirt across the room and strut around so that I was facing him full on, nothing on but some high heels. I told him to lie back as I took his shoes and socks off and gave a gentle foot rub, feet became calves, became thighs, became...

With this very vivid imagery going on I told him to watch me stare him in the eye as I pulled his pants down, digging my nails in. I let him visualize me throw that too across the room. I made him see me go down trailing a path of hot kisses and licks till I got THERE. Kissing, blowing, biting, licking on his neck and ears. Travelling down to his chest, down...down...down. Then I virtually jumped on the armchair and straddled him with my legs. I let him imagine me repeating the cycle… All I could hear were moans and groans of sheer ecstasy over the line as he let his imagination be led by mine. I told him to wrap his hands around the fullness of my derriere and appreciate the goddess like form, yeah I said it! 

I made him mentally trace kisses along my ample chest and let him just fall into me. Before long I told him to yank his boxers... I drew even more torturous diagrams and let myself go completely. I heard him gasp sharply when I told him to reach down below and stroke it for me. I told him to be gentle like he knows I would do and directed my muse through each move. I told him to imagine me going back and forth and becoming more and more ruthless with him with a wicked look in my eye and fire in my mouth.

It took a couple of minutes of encouragement and our own brand of back and forth dirty talk for me to hear his phone land with a heavy thud on the floor. OHHHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH!

So I thought_well done me! What was more interesting was that this whole experience was a first for me…don’t ever, ever tell him this, he believes I am a maestro at everything I do and I might lose some bed-cred. By the time he picked the phone back up I was in tears laughing at him. 

Nemesis decided that it was only fair the favour be returned. He started off aggressively and commanded that I lay on my tummy and pay attention. He said I should stretch out my hands above my head and imagine him behind me leaving fiery hot wet kisses up and down my back and tush. I had the phone firmly clamped between my ear and shoulder as I let his voice blow over me like a cool breeze. The effect was amazing! He took me through the motions of all the things he intended to do to me as soon as he came back. I could almost taste his kisses and smell him within me. Listening to the rise and fall of his voice as I lay there languorously stretching my limbs and keening towards his voice.

 He told me to turn over and place my hand down there, I could take as long as I wanted to get there and take as many detours as I needed to. All I had to do is tell him each and every move I was making so that he could take back the reigns and tell me what I needed to do next. As I turned I literally felt a gush go loose and told him this. I heard him grinning to himself before he proceeded to tell me what motions I was supposed to be making…I had to “treat his girl right”. iI decided on a very hands on approach- pun intended! I gingerly let my hand move instinctively and apply pressure, soothe, relieve, stroke, caress ohhhhh wasn’t it just sublime? Before long he was left talking to himself as I threw the phone to the side and allowed the tidal waves to take me over.

Now it was his turn to laugh!

And laugh he did! We both calmed down and I wiped the tears from my eyes wondering what had hit me. We indulged in some intense mumbling and pillow talk way into the rest of the night and even had time to discuss News headlines from that day. That's just how we roll!

A new level had come into it, a whole new dimension. Is this how long distance relationships survive? Do they not just go out and cheat on their partners? How could they if they could have this…I eventually dashed out of bed and had a quick shower then spent a few minutes grinning and shaking my head at myself in the mirror and not totally believing what had just happened...*hides*

(follow me on Twitter @mazituwe)