I tried, oh I swear I tried...
I tried to keep away and ignore him and to wish his
existence away into the nothingness it was in the months before I met him. It
didn’t work.
Two days after the phone-call with that drooly
sounding chick from the pub I got word that a very juvenile member of my family
had been impregnated by a young MC (read: fly by night –oh I think I’m the shit
but no one knows my music- grown up with a kid’s mentality-been the next big
thing for the past ten years trifling-good for nothing low life) who now no
longer wanted anything to do with her or the child she was carrying.
What was worse is that this academically gifted
girl had been in my house the weekend before and apart from a very pimply
pubescent face and a voracious appetite, nothing was amiss. Nothing told of the
already six month old life wriggling within her. Her belly was flatter than
mine has ever been and her disposition was generally cheerful with her head
stuck in a book, as usual. I just thought she enjoyed my cooking...a lot.
I was crushed. Nowhere near as gutted as her mother
who had , as per our custom contacted me as the closest older sister to track
this turd down and make him accountable if not for his actions, at least for
the upkeep and maintenance of the child. I did as I was asked by my mother and
tracked him down (My investigative capabilities are on levels) only to be
verbally abused, threatened and to have every female in my ascendancy literally
called a whore by someone I to this day do not know. Any man who has ever tried
to absolve himself of paternity was in one fell swoop put to shame by my new
“in law” he proposed amniocentesis to establish if the DNA my cousin carried
was indeed his.
After I told him that it is an invasive,
unnecessary and highly dangerous procedure which can even lead to the loss of
both lives at this stage in gestation it occurred to me that maybe that was the
outcome he actually wanted. The only thing he would accept thereafter was a
conclusive paternity test as soon as the child was born. I am sure his
aggression after that was brought on by his having investigated the costs that
would entail because the next time I looked him up I was told that my cousin
wasn’t a virgin when he laid her and it only happened once and he used a condom
and she told him she was being sexually assaulted by a close relative and candy
floss is sold at fairs and lava erupts from volcanoes and he will sue my entire
breed until we sell off our last shoelace to pay him off.
None the less, I put the phone down and with calm I
didn’t necessarily feel I called my aunt to tell her I would no longer be doing
this. It brought back ugly feelings of resentment and anger at my own situation
with the father of my child. Mine was wanted and planned but listening to this
sonnofa... spewing such vitriol made me remember all the things I have come to
know for a fact about my ex-husband that I wouldn’t ever have known or heard if
I hadn’t gotten divorced. It stung me in places that had long since forgotten
the feeling of having to beg for acknowledgement, for validation from someone
whose ego is a deep, gaping eternally hungry abyss that gives nothing and takes
until it sucks the soul from the very thing it needs to keep it fed.
I felt personally affronted. Weak. Helpless. And to
think that this wasn’t even my own battle, for it to have left me feeling so
cheap stripped my sensibilities to their naked, shrivelled core.
I hurt for her. I hurt for myself. I hurt for OUR
fatherless children.
I needed to talk. But I couldn’t find anyone. All
the people I called either went straight to voicemail of just rang
continuously. I found myself already having dialled his number in resignation
and didn’t even feel a fool for needing him to just say “Ok, I’ll meet with
you”.
I was dressed for a workout and bugger me if I was
going to change just to do my make-up and mess it all up when the inevitable
tear fall came to the party.
Nemesis was at my gate in fifteen minutes. As I
slid into the passenger’s seat I vividly remembered the last time I had sat in
it and made my theatrical declarations before slamming the door in the face of
the same person who was the only person who actually picked up the phone. The
last resort became the only resort.
Wordlessly he drove. I mumbled that he find
somewhere we could sit and have a discussion in private where I could also just
cry and not be judged for it. He nodded, handed me some Kleenex and drove.
Cue waterworks/ smile/ shrug/waterworks.
As we got to this little restaurant I had managed
to pull myself together enough to be able to make a half decent entry with my
head bowed. I pushed past him as he paused to greet a few friends that he had
recognised on the patio and left them wondering why I was so uncharacteristically
unfriendly and so inappropriately dressed. By the time he came in I had picked
a table and pushed myself tightly into the furthest corner the seat in the
booth would allow. With that taken care of I proceeded to stretch my leg out in
front of me so that he clearly got the message that he would not be sitting
next to me and that there would be no canoodling of any form.
Nemesis asked what I would like to drink and I
managed to mumble beer. He ordered for both of us and asked how my day was...
?
Is that really the best he could do? Through
swollen eyes I managed to throw a massive scowl his way and threw my chin on my
palm in a massive exhale of defeat. I proceeded to regale him with the gory
details of the horrendous two days I had just endured and three drinks, a cold
steak and a great many tissues later I reached over the table, lightly touched
his fingers before sense took over and yanked my hand away as fast as it had
casually placed itself in this odd position.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
The spark was still there :(
